Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre (2005) Dir: Jonathan Morgan Cast: Stormy Daniels, Jessica Drake, Voodoo, Tommy Gunn, Eric Masterson XXX, Approx: 151 Minutes VCA DVD

“You’ll be scared shirtless”

A parody of slasher films that's never as funny as it thinks it is...

My initiation into the worlds of blood and sleaze came by way of the slasher film.  I have spent countless hours scouring the shelves of long since deceased video stores hoping to find a treasure brimming with nasty violence and titillating nudity.  At one point, I was sure that I had a stroke of genius decided that there needed to be XXX slasher films.  I was never particularly choosy about my slasher plots (until 1996) and the idea of combining one with an abundance of hardcore sex seemed like a no-brainer.  This was an idea that couldn’t lose!

Well, last year, director Jonathan Morgan set out to show me that I could indeed lose…and lose hard.  Maybe I’ve become too crotchety for my own good over the past decade, but all Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre did for me was serve as a stark reminder of the sorry state that both slasher films and pornographic films have fallen into.  The sex is generally unremarkable and the horror/comedy aspect is downright disgraceful.

The movie is comprised of ten formulaic sex scenes strung together by the story of five college kids stranded in Camp Cuddly Pines en route to a Metallicyde concert.  Nearly every scene spoofs one well-known horror film or another.  The entire ordeal gave me the feeling that someone told these clowns that they were funny once…and they believed it ever since.  Morgan seems so worried that the audience might miss one of his over the top jokes that he does everything short of an on screen disclaimer to hammer the point home.  Russ Meyer once said that people weren’t funny if they were trying to be funny; this has never rung more true than it does here.

I should have known better.

I really should have.  Even though I’m a fan of both slashers and porn, I knew that I was not the target audience here.  I’ve hated nearly every self-aware slasher since Scream, and I had my doubts about this one from the start.  I tried to resist.  But every once in a while I was browsing through the online smut shops and this was constantly dangling in front of my face.  Not only was it a XXX slasher film, but Wicked Pictures put together an amazing looking three-disc DVD release featuring commentaries, bloopers, outtakes – the whole nine yards.  My defenses and better judgment were laid to waste.

I ordered it, watched it, and disliked it as much as I expected.  Still, for the sake of this website, I plowed through the bonus material, beginning with the commentary track.  The track features director Morgan along with performers Stormy Daniels and Eric Masterson.  The track is perfectly suited towards the movie, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I found it to be a miserable endurance test to sit through.  The actors, just like their onscreen counterparts, are just trying way too hard to be funny.  They spend a lot of time playing a “guess the movie” game where they will describe the film being spoofed but not name it.  If this sounds entertaining then I’m not doing a good job describing it.  They say things like “this is based on a movie that takes place during a certain trick or treat season…in the fall… (continued rambling)” or, “this is from a movie about summertime…um…and knowing what you did in the summertime…(continued rambling)” They do occasionally provide some information on the making of the film, but I had already lost interest in learning anything at this point.

The other extras seem to fair slightly better, or it could be that I was just desensitized to the stupidity of it all by this point.  The most notable aspect of it all is the sheer quantity.  Wicked Pictures did not skimp in any way on this DVD release.  There are screen tests, bloopers, outtakes, extended scenes, trailers, porn filled quiz games, bonus scenes, interviews, and plenty more for less discriminating fans.  At some points they do provide an interesting look at what it actually looks like on the set of an XXX film.  In the end, it’s probably the shorter running time of the featurettes that make them easier to stomach.

Was it really that bad?

My immediate reaction to this question is: undoubtedly yes!  Still, despite my scathing review, I feel obligated to point out a few positive notes in the film itself.  First off, the opening credits are admittedly eye catching.  Second, nearly any movie set in a camp environment is at least slightly better for it.  This is no exception, but I should emphasize the word slightly.  Finally two of the women present are somewhat memorable.  First is second billed Jessica Drake.   What is peculiar with her performance though, is that she actually looks sexier when she has her clothes on.  She fills out a pair of blue jeans remarkably well and she fills out her white tank top and black bra even better.  With her clothes on she has a sexy screen presence that I rarely see in the smutty girls of XXX nowadays.  Unfortunately, I find she looks just like every other porn actress today when here clothes come off (surprisingly, she only bares her breasts in the bonus features).  The other actress I alluded to was Kinzie Kenner, who just about stole the show with her one scene.  She’s refreshingly cute and silicone free.

A few brief glimpses of hope weren’t enough to save this one for me though.  I wouldn’t call it a total bomb; I can see where some people might like it.  The movie has better acting and production values than is generally expected from a porno.  If you have vastly different tastes in comedy and porn, then this may be right up your alley.  Don’t say I   didn’t warn you though.

2 Barbie dolls out of 5 Dr. Spector 8.5.06